Bullying - Advice and Suggested Solutions

Childhood should be a wonderful time, filled with happiness and joy, but for children who are bullied, the reality is often different. Bullying can have a damaging effect on self-esteem, and the biggest problem is that the victims are so terrified about what is happening they cannot open up. A bully may aggravate the victim's fear by threatening to harm the victim's friends or family if they 'tell tales'. This leads the sufferer to be withdrawn and lacking in confidence. Parents and teachers may not notice that there is a problem, but may not know what measures to take to help. Parents sometimes fear that their inference may aggravate the problem.

 

Why do some children fall victim to bullies?

 

Bullies will often target someone who is different than others and focus on that attribute. Wearing glasses, braces, or being overweight- anything that makes a child look 'different' -can be targeted for a bully's cruelty.

 

If a child is shy, quiet, cleverer, or less clever than others, they can be the targets of bullying. The bully realizes that these children are unlikely to retaliate.

 

Types of bullying:

 

Physical bullying Children are naturally physically active. Fighting in the playground may be a natural rite of passage, and may not be too serious, but when good-natured fights turn nasty, and center on one person, then the consequences are more serious; kicking, punching, hair pulling. A child may be threatened with a punch if he doesn't give the bully money, for example.

 

Verbal bullying can include name-calling, persistent teasing, and spreading rumors. Making racist insults, or mocking the victim's religious or cultural traditions are other forms of verbal bullying.

 

Signs your child is being bullied:

Stomach aches, headaches, bedwetting, nightmares

Crying, being withdrawn and fearful, overly clingy, extreme mood swings, and aggression

Being happy at weekends but not during the week.

Low marks or poor performance in school

Bingeing on foods, or cigarettes or alcohol

Making excuses to miss school

What to do:

If you learn or suspect that your child is the victim of bullying, it is important not to overreact. If your child senses that you are angry or upset, they might see your emotional response as a sign that you're angry or disappointed with them. Children who are bullied may feel embarrassed or ashamed; afraid that they've done something wrong, so a parent's questions about bullying must be thoughtful.

 

You could, for example, ask what they think about bullies, or ask if there are any children at school or in the park who pick on other children.

Don't question the child intently or ask anything that might make them feel as though they have done something wrong

Let your child know that you support them and are willing to listen or to talk at any time

Be prepared to listen to your child if they want to talk. Try not to jump in with a response when your child says something. Remember the key to being a good listener is to remember that we only have two ears and one mouth!

Be supportive and patient with your child after the initial admission that they are being bullied.

What next?

 

Ask your child what they would like to do about the situation. It gives them a feeling that they are in full control. This is important for rebuilding damaged self-esteem.

Your child could hold the key to the solution. Ask them if they have any suggestions that might help.

Speak to a teacher or authority figure at the place of bullying, to find out if there was any awareness of a problem.

If the bullying takes place outside of school, try and monitor your child's play areas.

If the bullying takes place on the way to school, perhaps you could give your child a lift, or organize a car pool so the child will not feel singled out.

Find new activities for your child. This will build up confidence and focus their attention elsewhere, so they do not become obsessed with the problem.

Try to organize home-based activities and parties for your child and their friends. If your child is in the home, then you can ensure they are safe. This is especially important if the child is being physically bullied.

In some cases, you could encourage your child to confront the bully. Also, you could explain that bullies often stop teasing if they're not getting a reaction.

Explain to your child why bullies do what they do. Try saying that bullies often target someone smarter, different, or more popular than themselves because they wish they could be more like that person, and a bully is often jealous of the person he or she pushes around.

 

Advice for victims:

 

If you're being bullied, try and tell someone about it. Your parents, teachers, or a family member could help. Don't walk to and from school on your own. Bullies always strike at people who are on their own. Don't believe what the bullies tell you. Believe in yourself and have confidence. Stand tall and even if you don't feel brave, give them the impression that you are stronger than them. If they tease you, turn it into a joke. Try not to let them see they've hurt you. If the bullies don't get any reaction from you, they usually give up. Don't hit back with violence. Getting into a physical fight with someone can be dangerous. If you are the parent of a bully

 

Children who are at the other end of the equation, those who are bullies, are often very unhappy themselves. Driven by anger, unhappiness, or confusion, bullies subconsciously exorcise their hurt by harming others, physically or emotionally.

 

A child who is a bully needs special attention, and parents can do a lot to help their children. Bullies pick on others because they 'need' a victim, so they pick on children who are smaller, weaker, or vulnerable in some way, so that they feel in control. They may use bullying to prove that they're tough. Bullies often form a gang, and try to achieve popularity.

Assess the problem; look at where it happens and how much you can influence the environment, and determine what steps you can best take to resolve it.

You may find it of use to speak with your child's teacher or authority figure to see whether you can work together to monitor or solve the problem/progress.

Look at curtailing your child's' freedom if they cannot act responsibly with it.

Talk rationally with them. Ensure they know the full depth of their problem and the implication of their actions for their victims, themselves, and on how others really perceive them.

 

Look at the feasibility of making them apologies to their victim. Are they in school together? Is there one victim, or several? How often has the bullying occurred? Consider your own behavior. If you are aggressive, or use bullying tactics yourself to deal with people, your child may learn this behavior from you. It can be useful to speak to teachers or youth workers, to find out the extent of your child's bullying. Remember that all children need someone responsible with whom they can talk.

 

Remember that Bullies may be struggling with difficulties at home or at school, or may be victims of emotional or physical abuse themselves. Attending sessions with an educational psychologist or professional therapy may be the key to unlocking the underlying reasons for the bullying.

 

Like any child, including their victims, they also need love and understanding, and the benefit of the knowledge, and maturity of an adults view.